Talking about ADHD and Relationships on Valentine’s Day

Love may be in the air this time of year, but feelings of anger and frustration are the more likely emotions experienced by people struggling to maintain a healthy relationship with their partner, especially when one person is dealing with symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

ADHD, one of the most common mental health conditions, is a neurobiological disorder that manifests as a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that is more frequent and severe than is typically observed in individuals at a comparable stage of development. Despite what many people think, ADHD does not affect only children. In fact, ADHD affects approximately nine million adults across the U.S. Even more shocking is that ADHD affects both males and females, but the main symptoms tend to be different in each gender.

For example, while men with ADHD are often thought of as hyperactive, females usually exhibit more traits of inattention. As girls and boys grow to be men and women with jobs and families to manage, ADHD manifests itself in different ways, and often has a major impact on one’s relationship. In my practice, I often see women internalizing their symptoms and blaming themselves for their inattentiveness and disorganization, while men usually blame external factors. Internalizing symptoms can often lead to poor self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness and even a misdiagnosis of depression.

Over the years, my patients have told me that their partner with ADHD often appears overwhelmed by day-to-day activities. It is often difficult for partners with ADHD to maintain an organized household, which may be evidenced in bills not being paid on time or household chores not being completed. In addition, they have difficulty managing impulses and may be easily distracted – core symptoms, which are often not outgrown. While many people in long-term relationships have these problems, the severity and pervasiveness of the symptoms can be signs that someone might have adult ADHD.

Common ADHD Symptoms Seen in Relationships
When involved in a relationship, people with ADHD face many challenges. They are often preoccupied with internal thoughts, feelings and worries and lack focus when communicating with their partners. People with ADHD are impulsive and may speak their minds at inappropriate times, resulting in social awkwardness, especially during the early stages of a relationship. Here are some common symptoms seen in relationships where one of the adults has ADHD:

Poor Communication Skills
Partners with ADHD may appear uninterested in listening when you speak. They may interrupt you to change topics of conversation because their minds are often scattered.

Poor Emotional Management
People with ADHD often have difficulty managing their emotions. They may appear angry or moody due to emotional reactivity.

Self-Involvement
Partners with ADHD often fail to show interest in others, which can hurt the development and progression of an otherwise healthy relationship.

Forgetfulness
People with ADHD are often forgetful and disorganized, due to distractibility, and have trouble completing tasks as simple as cleaning up after dinner or finishing the lawn work.

Loving Your Partner and their ADHD
Recognizing that your partner has ADHD and understanding the diagnosis is very important for couples committed to their relationship. Initiating discussion about the disorder with your partner and being honest with them about your concerns can help the relationship grow. Other tips to help you and your partner with ADHD succeed in a relationship include:

o Keeping eye contact while speaking to each other
o Giving your partner notes to remind them of upcoming family commitments and events
o Setting clear goals and learning to make ADHD-friendly choices (one’s that work with your ADHD, not against it)
o Talking openly about issues and working together to find solutions
o Educating both partners about ADHD and how it can affect your relationship. For more information and potential resources in your area, visit www.ADHDsupport.com or www.ADDvance.com

Managing ADHD
Although there is no “cure” for ADHD, there are accepted treatments that specifically target its symptoms. The most common standard treatments include educational approaches, psychological or behavioral modification and medication. When I see patients who have ADHD, I usually prescribe a long-acting stimulant medication for them to decrease core symptoms and allow for better emotional control.

Patricia Quinn, M.D. is a developmental pediatrician based in Washington, D.C. Dr. Quinn is Director of the National Center for Gender Issues and ADHD (NCGI) and has authored several books about ADHD and women including Understanding Girls with ADHD and Understanding Women with ADHD.

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